Shopping? Don’t Insult Us.

If you live in New York City or read Vogue, or give one shit about fashion, you probably heard about this big shopping extravaganza, Fashion’s Night Out, taking place on this 10th day of September, one of the holiest days of the year.

When we first heard about it, we thought “hmm, we like cocktails, and we like to buy shoes and lipstick, maybe we should go to one of these parties.” Then we realized that these parties that every designer and shop in the city is “inviting” people to are not parties at all, just regular old store hours teeming with fashionistas. It’s just a frothy scheme to get label whores to whip out their credit cards, down a Cosmopolitan, and claw each other to get a free T-shirt. No, thank you.

Does Anna Wintour not realize that it’s NFL Kick Off night? (Wait, don’t answer that.) We sure as hell do. That’s why you won’t find us at Barneys or Bergdorf’s or Bloomie’s tonight—but at the bar, hollering for Big Ben, elbow-deep in a plate of chicken wings, and three pints to the wind. God Bless, football.